life

i'm pretty frustrated right now.

i don't want this blog to be about complaining but right now i just need a place to vent

i feel like talking about all of this to someone, but everyone in my life right now doesn't feel like talking.

that's part of the reason i'm feeling so down, is just cause everyone else is either sick or being a big party pooper.

like i get that we have all this emotional stuff to deal with, but i can't be that way all the time.

coming back home yesterday i was ready to go home, and getting cranky because everyone was already starting to act really moody and annoying.

but then coming back home to my dorm SUCKED. it didn't feel like coming home at all. i came home to a messy, empty room and all the problems that existed before the trip. it just wasn't fun at all. then the internet wasn't working, and our bathroom was shut down, and i can't do my laundry, and it was just like the last straw. you know. like i realize all these people where i just came from don't have any of that stuff on a daily basis and they get a long fine. but when you're supposed to be coming home, it's supposed to be different.

every little thing it seems is getting on my nerves.

and i don't want to go to school on monday. i don't. i don't feel like ever stepping foot in a classroom again. i hate school. i hate all the bullshit that it really boils down to. i hate seeing that i could live off of so much less than what i have, and then coming back to ridiculous housing payments, and tuition payments and all of this other money that i feel like isn't the best investment of my resources.

i don't feel like eating any of the food here. i get sort of hungry but don't feel like any of the places i could go to. and i freaking hate fast food. i HATE it. but that's all i can eat anymore cause even if i buy something at walmart i don't have any way to cook it.

i wish all this bullshit had dissapeared while i was away. i wish i wouldn't have to come back to a hall full of girls who call me a skank and steal my whiteboard, or back to liking this douche nozzle that i know isn't good for me, or wondering how i will have the money to pay for my next housing payment, or when i can go back and give plasma so i can have money.

i hate that everyone sick. it makes me so upset. i wish everyone could be well and not have to feel like shit. shannon and leslie are sick, and brandi and sarah don't feel good, and my dad has vertigo, and brandon got sick today, kari still has a migrane, and it's just like. STOP why is god doing this? you know.

like i hate seeing people i really like being sick. because i really have no control over it.

in guatemala i realized so much about the people that i like. or really about the people that are actually out there instead of the assholes that i like. and i come back and i'm disgusted by them, but in the back of my head i know i still like them. because what i fear worse than rejection and pain is not even having someone to like. how stupid!

and i hate finding stuff out about a trip post trip, where it makes you feel like you were actually the outsider on the trip, when during the trip you couldn't have been more oblivious.
and all the pictures just make me want to barf.

i look disgusting, and i know i felt it all week long.

i just wish i could look different. i miss my hair, and my bangs always look greasy and it makes me wish i had never cut it.

and of course this week my face breaks out probably the worst that it has in years and i look like a fat cow.

tomorrow i have so much to do. i have to actually get started on school stuff or i know i never will (and failing out of college is not really an option) and i have to clean my room, (although i really just want to throw everything out, because i really don't use any of this shit)

sorry for the rant. hope you didn't read it. (HAH who am i kidding? NO ONE READS THIS)

Cindy