so i guess i'll continue the trend.
and i guess it's a pretty good thing to write about anyways, it's the only thing we know anything about (even though we still know very little. haha)
so i have a song up on my myspace profile from colbie caillat (i'm surrrre you've heard of her, because her song bubbly got about a bajillion hours of radio play... anyways)
anyways the song is about a relationship or whatever. but every time i listen to the song the lines that catch my attention are:
"my feet are stuck here
against the pavement
i wanna break free
i wanna make it"
and it has nothing to do with being in a relationship, the way i take it anyways.
which is why i really put the song on my profile. because that's exactly how i feel right now.
i feel trapped in my own life. completely stuck against this way that i am
and i do want to break free. but not only that, i want to make it.
i know that if i keep going the way i am, that i won't.
it's not just about realizing that you don't want to be where you are
it's about realizing that being where you is jeapordizing everything you are.
but now what? you know.
making an honest to goodness 180 change in your life is probably the hardest thing to do ever.
and how do you even begin? when there are so many things going wrong, how do you know where to start.
and as much as you just want to forget the past, how do you convince everyone else to as well?
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Friday, March 21, 2008
life
i'm pretty frustrated right now.
i don't want this blog to be about complaining but right now i just need a place to vent
i feel like talking about all of this to someone, but everyone in my life right now doesn't feel like talking.
that's part of the reason i'm feeling so down, is just cause everyone else is either sick or being a big party pooper.
like i get that we have all this emotional stuff to deal with, but i can't be that way all the time.
coming back home yesterday i was ready to go home, and getting cranky because everyone was already starting to act really moody and annoying.
but then coming back home to my dorm SUCKED. it didn't feel like coming home at all. i came home to a messy, empty room and all the problems that existed before the trip. it just wasn't fun at all. then the internet wasn't working, and our bathroom was shut down, and i can't do my laundry, and it was just like the last straw. you know. like i realize all these people where i just came from don't have any of that stuff on a daily basis and they get a long fine. but when you're supposed to be coming home, it's supposed to be different.
every little thing it seems is getting on my nerves.
and i don't want to go to school on monday. i don't. i don't feel like ever stepping foot in a classroom again. i hate school. i hate all the bullshit that it really boils down to. i hate seeing that i could live off of so much less than what i have, and then coming back to ridiculous housing payments, and tuition payments and all of this other money that i feel like isn't the best investment of my resources.
i don't feel like eating any of the food here. i get sort of hungry but don't feel like any of the places i could go to. and i freaking hate fast food. i HATE it. but that's all i can eat anymore cause even if i buy something at walmart i don't have any way to cook it.
i wish all this bullshit had dissapeared while i was away. i wish i wouldn't have to come back to a hall full of girls who call me a skank and steal my whiteboard, or back to liking this douche nozzle that i know isn't good for me, or wondering how i will have the money to pay for my next housing payment, or when i can go back and give plasma so i can have money.
i hate that everyone sick. it makes me so upset. i wish everyone could be well and not have to feel like shit. shannon and leslie are sick, and brandi and sarah don't feel good, and my dad has vertigo, and brandon got sick today, kari still has a migrane, and it's just like. STOP why is god doing this? you know.
like i hate seeing people i really like being sick. because i really have no control over it.
in guatemala i realized so much about the people that i like. or really about the people that are actually out there instead of the assholes that i like. and i come back and i'm disgusted by them, but in the back of my head i know i still like them. because what i fear worse than rejection and pain is not even having someone to like. how stupid!
and i hate finding stuff out about a trip post trip, where it makes you feel like you were actually the outsider on the trip, when during the trip you couldn't have been more oblivious.
and all the pictures just make me want to barf.
i look disgusting, and i know i felt it all week long.
i just wish i could look different. i miss my hair, and my bangs always look greasy and it makes me wish i had never cut it.
and of course this week my face breaks out probably the worst that it has in years and i look like a fat cow.
tomorrow i have so much to do. i have to actually get started on school stuff or i know i never will (and failing out of college is not really an option) and i have to clean my room, (although i really just want to throw everything out, because i really don't use any of this shit)
sorry for the rant. hope you didn't read it. (HAH who am i kidding? NO ONE READS THIS)
Cindy
i don't want this blog to be about complaining but right now i just need a place to vent
i feel like talking about all of this to someone, but everyone in my life right now doesn't feel like talking.
that's part of the reason i'm feeling so down, is just cause everyone else is either sick or being a big party pooper.
like i get that we have all this emotional stuff to deal with, but i can't be that way all the time.
coming back home yesterday i was ready to go home, and getting cranky because everyone was already starting to act really moody and annoying.
but then coming back home to my dorm SUCKED. it didn't feel like coming home at all. i came home to a messy, empty room and all the problems that existed before the trip. it just wasn't fun at all. then the internet wasn't working, and our bathroom was shut down, and i can't do my laundry, and it was just like the last straw. you know. like i realize all these people where i just came from don't have any of that stuff on a daily basis and they get a long fine. but when you're supposed to be coming home, it's supposed to be different.
every little thing it seems is getting on my nerves.
and i don't want to go to school on monday. i don't. i don't feel like ever stepping foot in a classroom again. i hate school. i hate all the bullshit that it really boils down to. i hate seeing that i could live off of so much less than what i have, and then coming back to ridiculous housing payments, and tuition payments and all of this other money that i feel like isn't the best investment of my resources.
i don't feel like eating any of the food here. i get sort of hungry but don't feel like any of the places i could go to. and i freaking hate fast food. i HATE it. but that's all i can eat anymore cause even if i buy something at walmart i don't have any way to cook it.
i wish all this bullshit had dissapeared while i was away. i wish i wouldn't have to come back to a hall full of girls who call me a skank and steal my whiteboard, or back to liking this douche nozzle that i know isn't good for me, or wondering how i will have the money to pay for my next housing payment, or when i can go back and give plasma so i can have money.
i hate that everyone sick. it makes me so upset. i wish everyone could be well and not have to feel like shit. shannon and leslie are sick, and brandi and sarah don't feel good, and my dad has vertigo, and brandon got sick today, kari still has a migrane, and it's just like. STOP why is god doing this? you know.
like i hate seeing people i really like being sick. because i really have no control over it.
in guatemala i realized so much about the people that i like. or really about the people that are actually out there instead of the assholes that i like. and i come back and i'm disgusted by them, but in the back of my head i know i still like them. because what i fear worse than rejection and pain is not even having someone to like. how stupid!
and i hate finding stuff out about a trip post trip, where it makes you feel like you were actually the outsider on the trip, when during the trip you couldn't have been more oblivious.
and all the pictures just make me want to barf.
i look disgusting, and i know i felt it all week long.
i just wish i could look different. i miss my hair, and my bangs always look greasy and it makes me wish i had never cut it.
and of course this week my face breaks out probably the worst that it has in years and i look like a fat cow.
tomorrow i have so much to do. i have to actually get started on school stuff or i know i never will (and failing out of college is not really an option) and i have to clean my room, (although i really just want to throw everything out, because i really don't use any of this shit)
sorry for the rant. hope you didn't read it. (HAH who am i kidding? NO ONE READS THIS)
Cindy
Monday, March 10, 2008
Livin' La Vida Loca
Oh Ricky Martin, whatever happened to you and your hips?
For those that read this blog (the one post i've put up), which consequently is... no one.
I OBVIOUSLY did not update this as I said I would, what a shame. But really, what's to be expected? I am a serial blog ditcher.
I was only reminded that I even had this space when I was required to sign in to leave a comment. It was a pleasant surprise. Since I was in a bloggy mood (read: bored and feeling talktative) I decided an update was in order.
I honestly don't know if I will ever build this blog into the glory that was my former blogger (RIP runforever) or my current xanga (playformeacoustically), but I wouldn't be surprised if I do try to update here and there.
I never did like blogger (blogspot... whatever it's called) as much as xanga, but since xanga is turning into facebook, and you can host your blogger on your own domain (although I don't have one... yet) it kind of wins out as the more practical and sensible way to go when it comes to blogging.
I'm not sure how blogger and wordpress are different exactly (i mean they look the same, edit posts the same, etc. etc.) but I also have a wordpress site. you can try finding it, but it's guarded tighter than the taj mahal (a girl's got to have some privacy after all). Once I use it more, (mostly for angst filled posts about current loves and complaints), maybe the differences will become more evident.
I am glad that blogger doesn't make you save and then publish your posts anymore. I lost at least a handful of blog posts to that monster. I am still a little ticked that they're not updated enough to work with my Opera browser yet though. Whenever I post in Opera it screws up the formatting everytime and doesn't make the line breaks at the right place.
oh em gee now that I've wasted 2 (give or take depending on how fast you read) minutes of your time explaning the pros and cons of blogger, I'm sure you're probably turned off of reading this blog in the future. But I promise (girl scout honor) that the posts from here on out will be more entertaining.
In other news:
- We will be departing for Guatemala on Thursday afternoon which is so soon, but honestly too far away at this point. Besides the hours upon hours of plane travel (Boring!) to get there and back, I am SO excited for this trip. International Travel Virgin (ITV) no more!
-I was chosen as the youth advisory delegate (YAD) to General Assembly (Presbyterian talk. just think HUGE MEETING) for Mission Presbytery and accordingly they are paying for all of my expenses (travel, lodging, meals, etc) to go to the Assembly in June. Besides all the boring meeting stuff that's required, I'm really excited about staying in San Jose, CA (the assembly location) for 10 days and hanging out with the 172 other YADs while I'm there. And I'm really stoked that it will be FREE.
-It's not official yet (as in I'm not even supposed to know) but word on the street is that I got the postition of Adventure Program Manager for this summer at John Knox Ranch. And I'm UBER excited of course. Along with the other APM I'll be responsible for the ropes course, rock climbing, and rappelling at camp, all the equipment, and leading the programs. And of course, it comes with a pay raise, and a spot on Upper Leadership. I'm kind of estatic.
Since I'm feeling long-winded, and we all know no one reads long blog posts, I shall end this one with no further ado.
Au Revior!
Sianara!
Hasta Luego!
(and my personal favorite) I'm out like a beansprout.
Cindy
For those that read this blog (the one post i've put up), which consequently is... no one.
I OBVIOUSLY did not update this as I said I would, what a shame. But really, what's to be expected? I am a serial blog ditcher.
I was only reminded that I even had this space when I was required to sign in to leave a comment. It was a pleasant surprise. Since I was in a bloggy mood (read: bored and feeling talktative) I decided an update was in order.
I honestly don't know if I will ever build this blog into the glory that was my former blogger (RIP runforever) or my current xanga (playformeacoustically), but I wouldn't be surprised if I do try to update here and there.
I never did like blogger (blogspot... whatever it's called) as much as xanga, but since xanga is turning into facebook, and you can host your blogger on your own domain (although I don't have one... yet) it kind of wins out as the more practical and sensible way to go when it comes to blogging.
I'm not sure how blogger and wordpress are different exactly (i mean they look the same, edit posts the same, etc. etc.) but I also have a wordpress site. you can try finding it, but it's guarded tighter than the taj mahal (a girl's got to have some privacy after all). Once I use it more, (mostly for angst filled posts about current loves and complaints), maybe the differences will become more evident.
I am glad that blogger doesn't make you save and then publish your posts anymore. I lost at least a handful of blog posts to that monster. I am still a little ticked that they're not updated enough to work with my Opera browser yet though. Whenever I post in Opera it screws up the formatting everytime and doesn't make the line breaks at the right place.
oh em gee now that I've wasted 2 (give or take depending on how fast you read) minutes of your time explaning the pros and cons of blogger, I'm sure you're probably turned off of reading this blog in the future. But I promise (girl scout honor) that the posts from here on out will be more entertaining.
In other news:
- We will be departing for Guatemala on Thursday afternoon which is so soon, but honestly too far away at this point. Besides the hours upon hours of plane travel (Boring!) to get there and back, I am SO excited for this trip. International Travel Virgin (ITV) no more!
-I was chosen as the youth advisory delegate (YAD) to General Assembly (Presbyterian talk. just think HUGE MEETING) for Mission Presbytery and accordingly they are paying for all of my expenses (travel, lodging, meals, etc) to go to the Assembly in June. Besides all the boring meeting stuff that's required, I'm really excited about staying in San Jose, CA (the assembly location) for 10 days and hanging out with the 172 other YADs while I'm there. And I'm really stoked that it will be FREE.
-It's not official yet (as in I'm not even supposed to know) but word on the street is that I got the postition of Adventure Program Manager for this summer at John Knox Ranch. And I'm UBER excited of course. Along with the other APM I'll be responsible for the ropes course, rock climbing, and rappelling at camp, all the equipment, and leading the programs. And of course, it comes with a pay raise, and a spot on Upper Leadership. I'm kind of estatic.
Since I'm feeling long-winded, and we all know no one reads long blog posts, I shall end this one with no further ado.
Au Revior!
Sianara!
Hasta Luego!
(and my personal favorite) I'm out like a beansprout.
Cindy
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